Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in
eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in
pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in
France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't
sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we
find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and
a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers
don't grocer and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is
teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese.
So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one
amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single
annal?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one
of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian
eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a
letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a
recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that
run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on
parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise
man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be
opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?

How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell
another.

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when
they are absent?

Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a
sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into
someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And
where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would
ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which
your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a
form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by
going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects
the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race
at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible,
but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up
this essay, I end it.

At a recent COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer
industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up
with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be
driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the
gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued
a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like
Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following
characteristics:     
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would
have to buy a new car.     
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no
reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. 
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn,
would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in
which case you would have to reinstall the engine.     
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you
bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more
seats.     
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun,
reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but
would only run on five per cent of the roads.     
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights
would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning
light.     
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. 
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going
off.     
10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock
you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously
lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the
radio antenna.     
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe
set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even
though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to
delete this option would immediately cause the car's
performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would
become a target for investigation by the  Justice Department. 
12. Everytime GM introduced a new model car buyers would have
to learn how to drive all over again because none of the
controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.     
13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.